The Truth About Empty Nest

The Truth About Empty Nest

September 2012

The truth is that no one can know for sure how the empty nest will show up for them, until, well, the nest is ‘empty’. I have found that it doesn’t even have to be empty in order for a deep sadness or mourning to occur, nor did it matter how deep of a relationship was had with that certain egg. The overwhelming feeling of loss appeared.

 Maybe, the person who named it believed that deep loss only occurred when the last child left, not taking into account the emptiness that swelled well before the nest was truly bare. Perhaps it should be called ‘De-nesting’.  As in, the undoing of nesting. The undoing of the days when you spent hours preparing for that baby to come; organizing, cleaning, de-cluttering.  

The definition of nesting alone was enough to make me cry:  an assemblage of things lying close together, that fit within each other; All of your most precious things, fitting within each other, in just their own way. The definition also would explain why it is experienced as such a loss, regardless of whether or not there are still eggs remaining. Perhaps, the 'empty' part doesn't describe the nest at all, but instead, the feeling one is left with. 

The college search began with a rush of exciting emotions, leading into the stress of testing, college applications, the worry of rejection letters and then finally to decision time. It seemed to be an never-ending process, yet suddenly, without warning, it ended, catching me right in the throat. 

Cornell. My first born, and sweet (not so little) baby, accepted by Cornell. What a validation of all that he had worked for.  What a true blessing as his parent to have known and loved him and watched him sprout into an unbelievable human being. 

The world awaited him now, as I did on that snowy February morning 18 years ago.  It was time. Time for me to move aside.  But how? I had watched others gracefully do this, but how was I going to do it? I didn't need moving day to confirm how this was going to be. I could feel the emptiness long before that day approached.  That burning in my heart. The churning of my insides.  That constant wondering how my life would look without him to wake up to?  It seemed weird that I was in a panic. Surely after surviving a divorce I knew how to awake without him in the house. But this was so different.  So much more real.  

He grew from just a concept in my head, into a child that needed me, and then into a human being that I had come to depend on. For his humor, his laughter, his lightness, his optimistic approach to life, his 'yes' mentality. And in the moment he held me on that last day of my life as his 'mommy', I knew I would not be able to explain to anyone quite how lonely this felt.

The final cutting of the embilical chord...I held him in my arms, surrounded by his roommates' family and did what I could to not crumble.  

"You did great mom," he said, "you almost made it without crying." 

Tears streamed down my face as I backed a little away, just far enough to see his perfect face. I held his cheeks gently in my two hands, remembering the day I was able to hold his whole body tightly in my arms. I tried to memorize his eyes, his smell, his sweet voice always able to find a positive spin on life.

Please god...let me be okay. Let me pull away and still be standing on my own two feet.  Please...don't let my baby think I can't do this. No matter what awaits me, don't let him see me fall to my knees.  Give me the strength I need...

Perhaps my prayers were answered, or not, but I did make it out of the room.  I looked into my ex's eyes for support. For some sign that I was going to make it. "How is this possible?" I asked. "The last time you and I were in a dorm, we were at school ourselves...and now we are leaving our baby here." I could not get a grip on what was happening.  No sense could be made of this college day event. The cutting of the final emblical chord. Someone should have prepared me better.  There should have been some counseling leading up to this. Then maybe I would have known what to do.

 My heart physically hurt. Not shooting pains from my arm to my heart as in a heart attack, but an ache deep within my soul. My heart pounded, my breathing became labored and my chest rose over and over again as I dragged my empty, but very heavy suitcase to my car. How could something so empty, be so heavy? Each step forward, pulling me further away from Shane. 
I looked up again desperately to my ex in fear, "I just don't think I can leave him..." I said with almost inaudible words. 
"He will be just fine. More than fine," he reassured. 
And so I kept moving. The air thickening and making me feel sick.  I began to sob even more, trying not to notice the people staring, until finally, I reached my car and hoped to find relief in being alone. Alone with my tears, pain, and lack of air. Alone. So desperately alone and ill-prepared for his childhood to be over.  But ready or not, it was here and time...to head back to my empty nest, or at least, the nest that would not be as neatly nestled as it was before.  

The flood of sadness poured out on me the entire way home, but I made a choice to not cry myself to sleep.  Instead, in my bed that night, I prayed.  I prayed for his happiness, his safety, and a brand new day that would offer me hope and inspiration in the empty space that I now had...a new perspective on how to live this same life, with a new pair of shoes on. 

Tech, Touch and Reality of the Job Search

The job search is quite unlike any job you have had. With most jobs, the more time on task you have, the more efficient and effective you become. Yet with this job, the task is daunting and the longer you are at it, the harder it becomes, mentally and physically. One month of unemployment turns into two, which then turns into a year and without batting an eye, even the two-year mark rounds the corner. Even for the most task-oriented individual, this unpaid relentless task, with few rewards, can be paralyzing.

The key factor is simply your perspective. Rather than fighting unemployment, which has all sorts of negative strings attached, rename this as a career change search.  Now you are on a mission: to find a new career.

This search IS your job right now. There is no denying how tough the situation is, but keep your focus on what the end result will look like and remember that each task you complete, gets you that much closer to your goal.  Include everything you will do in a planner as if each task is an important meeting.  If you are working part-time temporarily, write it down, but don’t use it as an excuse to not do your search that day. You pulled all-nighters in college studying, so why not commit to a few late nights doing technology searches now? Even with children, you can work around a schedule, just as you would with a full time job.  Plan play-dates for them at specific times during the day, or plan to get up early before the kids get out of bed. Do what it takes. Just make sure it gets done.

There are three important areas to use daily in your search:  

Tech, Touch, Reality.

1 - Tech: using technology each day (for a few hours) to job search, creating a daily or weekly commitment to how many resumes you want sent out. But only  send them to employers that can hire you (ex: a public school needs a certification, etc.). Each day write down different technologies you can search: LinkedIn, Monster.com, Craig’s list, even Facebook, etc. 

2 - Touch: This one reaches out and touches others.  Perhaps meeting for coffee with someone in your field of interest, or simply hand delivering a resume to an old friend or colleague. Imagine that anyone you see may have an opportunity for you. That everyone acts as an important person on this journey, someone to help spread the word about your search for work...now. The more you talk about it, the more the universe will keep thinking of you! Commit to how many people you will see each day/week. Then do it...like it's your job. 

3 - Reality - This one is really important. Be realistic and make 'by when' goals. Example: If I don't have a full time job by Aug. 30th, I will apply to any hourly job that offers benefits. Set your goals based on what you want, but then also what you need and write them down. Not on a scrap piece of paper, but in a book or binder that can be with you at all times, perhaps even at your part time jobs to refer to on lunch breaks. Think about what you 'really' want. If what you want is to teach, create a short-term goal, as well as a long-term goal. If you know that getting certified would open up many doors for teaching, figure out how long it would take to get it. Consider the expense, but think of it as an investment to your new career. If you can land a temporary job with benefits, you can commit to small steps for the future. Perhaps only taking one class per semester, which will slowly but surely get you to where you want to land. 

Lastly, and most importantly, know for sure that we can't see around corners, but we can be proactive about planning, keep our feet moving and have faith that every step will get us closer to where we need to be. 

Life as We Know It.

The life we have is one that we know for sure. Regardless of how we feel about it, we accept that it is ours, even if there are many things that could use fixing. We complain often, dream of change, and sometimes even relish in the golden moments that make us smile. Yet we continue on the same path, because the ‘known’ is what creates comfort, even when the known is uncomfortable. Why?

If you’re going to be uncomfortable anyway, why not get out of your own way and create something new and different?!  Yes, you are in your own way. That job you have yearned for, the business you have wanted to start, the exercise program you have been dabbling in for decades, is all possible, if you move aside.  

I have often questioned others, and myself in search of understanding the difference between the people that have what they want and those that simply talk about having it. Interestingly, there are many things in common: a strong sense of self, a knowledge of ones own strengths, an understanding of what doesn’t work for them and a real desire for movement. Those are the qualities that make change possible.

What distinguishes those that act on their desires and those that don’t, are their differences.  People that actually create change are willing to let go of what they know and live into the creation of what can be next (the unknown).  They do not live into the drama or the fear of it, but instead, confidently create such a real picture of what they want, that it doesn’t feel unknown at all. In fact, they talk about it so often that they feel it already exists. They don’t give up because the money hasn’t come in yet, or the waistline hasn’t budged, but keep moving, knowing that in time all of that will take a life of its own.  These individuals don’t simply check off their lists in hopes of achieving the end result, they follow the steps because it is what they are passionate about and know that the result will follow as well. 

For those of you still stuck in your ‘reasons’: family needs, time, money, etc., this is a hard concept because you have been repeating your story for so long that your story feels factual! I can just hear your inner voice now: yeah but she doesn’t know what my life is like! What I do know is that we all have busy lives and family obligations as well.  The ‘do-ers’ just don’t get stopped with the reasons, but instead create their life around them: getting up earlier in the morning, working an extra job at low cash-flow times, and being choosier about what can and can not be attended to.  Your life will get in the way.  Your job is to see them as hurdles (to be jumped), not roadblocks.

Here is the perfect example that many runners will relate to. You are out for your third run this week and can’t believe, again, that you are struggling. There is an unbelievable feeling that perhaps you have grown heavier, more sluggish, and older.  You are certain that you can no longer run, because maybe ‘they’ are right. Maybe your life is too busy for this right now, or you are just getting too old. Until…you decide to buy a new pair of sneakers. Suddenly you hit the streets and your stride feels long, your legs feel strong, and your breathing is controlled and calculated.  It is then that you remember just how old your shoes were, and what then seemed like fact, now isn’t even part of the conversation. Instead, the conversation revolves around signing up for a race! I mean, why not? You are in great shape!

Your life as you know it, is just that. Changes can occur over night though, simply by what you do and say. Don’t get stuck in what seems like ‘fact’.  Whatever facts you have convinced yourself of, will look different with a new pair of sneakers. 

www.GellerCoaching.com

How to Have Clients that Pay

If I guaranteed your business financial growth just by making a few changes, would you be willing to try it? Of course you would!
You know that the way you run your business works, yet could be more efficient.  You know that while you have a steady flow of clients and are skillful in servicing them, you spend a great deal of time playing 'catch-up'. You also know that while your business is financially successful, there is a great amount of money that remains outstanding. But do you know how much money of yours actually sits on the streets? Some have reported as much as $20-30,000/month of money owed, but not being collected. How much more profitable would your business be if you were actually paid for all services rendered? What if I told you that creating a System would do just that?

Last week we looked at creating an entire system for your business, which is the best way to make sure all the facets of your business are running efficiently.  Yet the best place to start is where you know you need it most: billing. Trust me when I say that you are not alone in this area. Perhaps you are too embarrassed to admit it, or don't have the time to assess how much money is currently on the streets, but it is a common weakness for small business owners. After all, you went into business because of your knowledge and commitment to your area of expertise. If your area of strength was billing, surely you would have gone into business for that!

Instead, you became an attorney, a dentist, or perhaps health club owner, due to the passion you have for that business. Good for you for following your instincts, and becoming a success. Now imagine how successful you would be if all the clients you serviced actually paid you! The fact that you have clients who don't pay on time, only pay half of what they owe, or don't pay at all, says a lot about you, and much less about them. If your service is worth the value you say it is, then you should be running the business as such.  Having a defined System simply creates a protocol with a clear description of your obligation to the client, and the clients obligation to you. If you are unsure whether you have a system in place or not, answer these questions:

Do you find yourself feeling bad for the client who says they don't have the money?
Do you find it tedious to follow up with every client for fees owed?
Do you feel like there is always another client to bill?
To you find yourself focusing on the services rendered, to avoid having to collect the fees?
Do you continue to work for clients, even when they haven't paid?
Do you often feel like you are volunteering your time?

If you have answered yes to any or all of these, then having a system in place, will bring substantial amounts of money to your business. Still wondering if a system is what you need? Consider this: If I told you that all you had to do to receive several thousand dollars was get off the couch, walk to the front door and lift up the door mat...would you do it? Or would you say, 'Nah, I have enough money as it is, and this couch is pretty comfortable.'?

Your time is worth money. Create a system that guarantees that!

More ways to increase revenue...

Resolutions that Last

We relish in being given a new chance with each New Year. We promise ourselves, and our loved ones that we will do things different this year. We will live full lives, ones that make us happy, ones that will make us thinner, more peaceful, more successful.

We write down our lists, tell others (or not) and then hope for the best. It is a long year with lots of hope and promise of what can be. Unfortunately, living into the hope and promise of a new long year is just what sabotages our efforts.

Our efforts begin strong as we plunge forward and join the gym or go back to the gym that we have long since abandoned.  We pack healthy lunches for work and throw out all the holiday goodies.  We write down our daily lists and check them off twice. All the while almost humming a happy tune about how this year will be different.

Then March or April show up and suddenly the days turn into weeks, and then into months and without a warning, become a tedious task at best. All that planning, and creativity to make sure everything fits just the way you said it would almost turns it into a job! And the more you think about how long you will have to work in order for it to be life-changing and life-long, the more ready you are to give it up. Sure, you can do it right now, but if you are tired already, how will you possibly keep it up for the next few decades?

Sometimes our thoughts move us into action, but mostly, our deep thoughts have one purpose: sabotage.  You know the voice. The one that says, ‘You know you aren’t going to do this much longer anyway.’ The one that says, ‘Come on, you aren’t fooling anyone, they all know you aren’t going to be successful at this.’  Yet while your voice is just running its’ usual mouth, you start to believe it and forget that you are choosing to listen to it, but could also choose to ignore it. 

Want to finally have success at your commitments? Ignore it! Or even better, gently thank it for coming and do what you have to do in spite of it.

You do not have to do this forever. Whatever it is. Whether it is your business, a healthy lifestyle, or a workout plan, you do not have to do this forever. You don’t. I am freeing you from those imprisoning words.

But will this really work if I don’t commit to this for the rest of my life? 

Yes!

Because all you actually need to do, is honor your commitment today.  That is it. Nike wasn’t just branding their company so you would wear it on your shirt. They were branding the motto we should wear in our hearts.

Just do it. Today (I added that part!).  All you need to do is honor your commitment today, and tomorrow…will take care of itself, as it ever so gracefully falls into ‘today.’ Have this resolution, be the one that lasts.

www.GellerCoaching.com

Life. Part II. Women in Transition.

The unknown can be frightening. In fact, the unknown can be so frightening that it can leave us feeling immobilized, craving the old and familiar, and romanticizing what was. It can lead to moments of depression, feelings of anxiety and a constant questioning of why me?
Some people manage their fears of the unknown by keeping busy. Perhaps shopping, sleeping, eating, drinking, etc, whatever is necessary to stay distracted from the fears or worry that lie underneath. But worry is like a rocking chair; it will give you something to do, but won’t get you anywhere.
Often we think that we are moving in the right direction if we don’t sit down as much, spend more time at the gym, or more time fixing, cleaning and/or doing. Though this is technically moving, real movement in the direction of happiness will need to be mindful. With each step, you need to think about how your leg feels as it hits the ground, how the ground feels as you land upon it, how your body responds to the new moment upon you. Real movement should involve being acutely aware of what passes you by, what surrounds you as you move and what lies before you in wait. There should be steady, yet constant movement.

But what if you have no idea what is next or where you will land?
So what.
You don’t have to know where you are going next; you merely have to be committed to the movement itself. If you actually knew where you were going, you would no longer be in a place of unknown, but in a place of actually landing. You will get there; everyone does, but only when it is time. Until then, it is about following your intuitions, rediscovering what makes you happy and continuing to move in a place that feels good. Then keep the faith that you will know you are there, once you have arrived. Not a moment before…
We have ignored our intuitive feelings for far too long and now, in place of discovering what is next, we need to start listening to what has been in our hearts all along. When you were a child it was simple. You knew what you wanted and you either went and got it or asked someone to get it for you. Yet as you grew older it wasn’t quite that simple. What once began as fulfilling your needs, easily fell into what others around you needed, until eventually your needs, what made you feel happiest inside, began to get quieter. Your needs became about fulfilling their needs. Until eventually you became unclear what your needs even were. Or did you actually always know, but were willing to put those thoughts and needs away?
Perhaps it wasn’t about giving up your needs throughout your life at all, but about needing what you needed in that time period and then awakening one day to a whole new set of needs. Perhaps you had formed your life around those needs, and it actually made you feel happy and complete inside, until it didn’t anymore. Or maybe, due to the passing of time, it was just time for change.
It doesn’t matter how yesterday showed up or how it once looked, or what you did until this moment. It doesn’t even matter if you were happy during that time, or completely unhappy. Either way, transitioning into what is next, can show up as quite a challenge, with moments of excitement, filled in with moments of worry.

Worrying means you have lost faith.

In order to create change, or transition into something that is new, you need to have faith that it will all work out just as it is supposed to.
The first step in transitioning into something new is to be prepared.

1 - Have a complete plan of how you would like to get started.

2 – Plan what steps you can follow as you go.

3 – Create a timeline of when you will complete and/or attempt things.

4 – Design a picture of what you would like it to look and feel like when you arrive.

The most important part is to focus on where you want to be and how you want to feel. Don’t give any attention to the other parts: worries, fears, anxiousness…simply thank those thoughts for showing up, and then start moving. New exciting beginnings are just around the corner.

"Fear. The Gateway to Meaningful Change."

Surprisingly, there is a positive energy about that quote, yet when you feel fear, you feel sick, motionless, paralyzed, and sweaty as the adrenalin rushes and your knees seem to wobble from underneath you. If only we could see that change is just around the corner.

When faced with fears, we are quick to name it appropriately and add it to the fear list: being alone, becoming sick, failure, admitting defeat, letting others down, being embarrassed, dying, getting hurt, being rejected…there are a million things to fear, yet some we do and others we don’t. But it isn’t the list of what you fear that matters, it is what you do once standing in fear that really matters.

Why? Because what you do while standing in fear will declare your level of success, as well as your level of happiness. Think about it. Perhaps you have always wanted to learn to swim, but have a fear of drowning. What do you do? You either choose not to swim, which will not eliminate your fear, but allow you to skirt around it, or you learn to swim, which will not only eliminate your fear, but allow you to be healthy and strong as well. One choice leaves you standing still, while the other moves you into action.

Many fears come from mental creations, that aren’t reality based. For instance, even if we haven’t experienced a near death drowning, the fear of drowning is very real. We may never have fallen while skiing, yet we choose not to ski for fear we might fall. These examples come from things we have seen or heard about, yet may not have personally experienced. Remotely similar to our innate fear of change, even if we haven’t experienced a bad situation directly related to change, we still fear what could happen: from leaving our marriages, finding new jobs, to trying out new things. They all force us to face one question: What if…What if what we hope to have happen, doesn’t occur at all? What if instead, the change creates an even worse situation?

There is a what if story for every scenario possible, but what you choose to fill in those dots with, is what matters most. We are famous for filling it in with negative consequences, but what if the only list you make, is of the possible positive consequences. If there aren’t any positive consequences, then you should rethink the change, but chances are good that if you have been contemplating the change, you have also visualized the possible positive outcomes that could occur.

The next thing to do is embrace the fear. Take it on as if you own it, not as if it owns you. Then stand tall and look it straight in the eyes. Lastly, look carefully at how long you have been talking about this change. How long you have been unsatisfied in this area of your life, yet have continued to tolerate it, due to your fears. What if…you could look straight into your fear, and move forward anyway, in spite of it? Then you would truly get to see what’s possible.

I continue to battle with fears just like everyone else and am fortunate enough to have children who have been trained by...me! So after my bike accident and near-missing oncoming traffic, I talked to my children about my own fears. I even considered quitting triathlons altogether, just to avoid getting back on the bike. Yet it was my son that offered a reality check.

“If you’re waiting for the fear to subside, before getting back on the bike, you can forget about it. It won't happen," he said. "Get the bike fixed and then get on.”

Luckily for me I knew enough to listen to him. I also knew that I had said those very words to others as well and that it was sound advice. There was only one way to compete in my next triathlon and it was to get on my bike, in spite of my fear. It was to focus on what I wanted…to ride…not what I didn’t want…to fall. And so I did just that. I stood in the face of my fear, got my bike fixed and rode.

Fear can propel us into action, as long as we don't stand still when it comes at us. Haven’t you been standing still long enough? Today, face your fear and allow the change to occur…the possibilities will surprise you.